YOU. Better. WORK.

Sashay---away.

Its making me laugh.  ‘Nuff said.

Smash an egg with a frying pan.

My brain hurts…  its painful being mad.

That said, at times, I just completely blank out — I call this:  REBOOT mode.  Not quite the blue screen of death, but kind of a self-discourse.  It goes something like this:

Mad Me:  [an un-discernable obsessing and worrying sound]

Rebooting Me:  ……..

Recently Rebooted Me:  What was I just obsessing about?

The recently rebooted me always has that option of re-opening the previous discourse, if it remembers, or of completely ignoring it and moving on with the next event within the day’s schedule.

I’m tired.

Lights out.

In a rather (or not-so) interesting turn of events, things have gotten quite dark in the grove.  I thought long about writing out some of my thoughts to truly let go of them, but there seems to be a strong compulsion to hold my cards closer to my chest right now.  As always, an episode of anxiety, depression, and some existential numbness–especially a prolonged and deep one–need not point one to a search for the closest “Emergency Exit” sign for escape to greener pastures.  I think there is something to be learned in how I currently feel and think…  even if it is the need to not think and feel so harshly. But that requires time, healing, and reflection.  Something I’m not capable of right now, so the posts will not be coming hot and heavy right now.  Unless I find something distracting and interesting to throw up here.

Its hard to own up to all of this in light of my previous two posts.  I perhaps have been denying the build up lately (in my own mind) of dark clouds, but my optimism was genuine at the time.

And hey, I’ve tracked over a 1000 gnomes now.

Bring in the Newness, Part 2

Okay, first, let me say, that so far this week I have been rather focused upon looking at dogs since S & I are questing for a companion for our home.  We’re hoping within the next week or so we can have a furry new friend living with us.  However, my obsessive perusing notwithstanding, I have been pretty good with Goal #1, thus far.  What’s funny, though, is I hate resolutions and at this point will refuse to say that this is what I’m doing…  you’d have to tie long ropes to my limbs and have horses pull them in different directions to get me to admit that.  Because resolutions, the word, the idea, the reality — resolutions are hollow.  They elicit, if we free associate here, ideas of failure.

I am also not one for the sort of “How to” or “Self Help” or “Improve your Life By” literature that is often associated with these types of things, either.  But I am willing to give firm goal setting a try, and while in the back of my mind I know my advice has its roots in giant conferences of people rallying around a “Yes I Can” mentality, I’m going to block that out.  Block it out behind all the soy sauce containers of the messy refrigerator of my mind…  which, I hope to continue stressing, IS NOT what S & my fridge looks like!  So, onto Goal #2:

Goal 2:  Make Regular Strides Toward the Completion of my PhD.

Now, this certainly requires some breakdown…  completing a PhD requires a few things:  1.  Plenty of Fluids.  2.  Some small modicum of self-absorption mixed with a healthy dose of self-doubting to balance it out.  3.  Cool glasses.  4.  A love of day-dreaming about offices and free office supplies.  5.  A good committee.  6.  Dedication.  7.  Some money…  no…  Lots of money.  8.  Apparently, a Facebook account to distract you.  9.  A prescription for Zoloft or similar.  Or a booze problem.  Or cigarettes.  Some sort of chemical dependency seems to help.  10.  Time.

So, there are going to have to be small, medium, and long-range goals for sure.  I want to be done in 2 years.  What that requires at THIS stage, so, I guess, medium-range goals are:  a dissertation proposal completed by May, research to be started in the summer (July probably), and analysis throughout next Fall and into next year.  I’m not exactly sure how realistic this is, but I feel its possible.  And for now that’s all that matters.  In the meantime, I have some other tasks to complete in there, including TA work, possible RA work, presentations on an irregular basis, a conference paper/presentation in late April, hopefully a paper submitted to a journal for peer-review, potentially some reading group work, and a papers to review for other people/organizations/things.  Not a ton, although there are quite a few commas in there…  but certainly all of this is manageable.  Excepting any disasters — 2009 involved a Strike, some committee reshuffling, conferences, a productive summer, and a Fall semester dedicated really just to teaching.  So working on my dissertation has to be the priority this year.  And I’m excited about it.

So in the short term, it is my goal to spend at least 3 hours a day, at least 4 days a week working on my proposal or things related to my proposal.  I know that doesn’t sound like much, but factor in reading for my TA position, grading, Goal #1, and the need to not get completely burnt out (I know what I’m doing at this point) and it seems pretty reasonable.  Besides, 3 hours is the minimum for what I will consider a successful day.  S’s Mom called this “winning the day” which leads to “winning the week,” but I’m not going to utilize a game-play or war-play metaphor…  I’m not at war with my schedule or my anxiety or anything, I just want to make movements towards the long-term goal of being done with school.

Cuz I’ve been in school now for friggin’ 23 years.  I think 25 years in school is a good terminal point to aim for…  a quarter of a century.  Think of all the hair styles and clothing trends that will change in 25 years…  I could have two or three different dogs in that amount of time!  Enough is enough!  On to other things…

Ahh, serene. I'm glad I took this photo, my eyelashes froze my eyes shut and I couldn't see anything.

Now, upon reflection I will stop my goal setting there…  in North Bay, in beautiful wintry wonderland North Bay, I thought about my need to be more green.  I will talk about that in a subsequent blog, as I think its tied into both Goals 1 and 2 (I mean, a PhD student in Environmental Studies should strive to be somewhat “green” — while problematizing and critiquing both that term and the often classist and overly-consumeristic culture of green commodities).  Plus, I’m poor, so I have to be realistic.  And, all this talk about goal setting makes me uncomfortable (not to mention I find it tedious) — knowing myself, knowing my jittery, pre-occupied, obsessive self…  I am not gonna get in over my head.  No siree.  Baby steps into strategizing…  baby steps.

Next time:  My rant about the actual “utility” of utility pockets in cargo pants.

With Regards to Previous Post.

IT IS NOT OUR FRIDGE!

Self-explanatory I believe, with particular emphasis on the “NOT” part.  We have quite a clean refrigerator.

OUR fridge.

Bring in the Newness, Part 1

Happy New Year!  Happy New Decade, even…  good-bye “oughts” and hello “tweens and teens?”

Our holidays were very nice, quiet, family-oriented affairs with high fat contents and lots of traveling by bus and train.  Kind of getting sick of that, wish we had money for a car — not that a car is that fun to own in Toronto, or even really necessary, but it would be nice to use to go see family.

There are so many things going through my mind post-holidays that its hard to sit down and work them out here.  It was, to be sure, a generally peaceful couple weeks.  My mind was generally at ease, and despite some guilty eating moments — really, to be expected — I felt pretty good about things.

Even upon returning to Toronto, to some semblance of normalcy, I feel genuinely good about things.  I had a nice conversation with S’s Mom in North Bay about setting goals, something I am not particularly good at, because of my tendency to feel excessively guilty if I fail to meet them immediately.  But, I want for 2010 to be a strategic, successful, and peaceful year.  If anything, 2009 seemed a bit rough at times, despite some great moments and moves in my life.  So, what I’ve decided is that rather than make resolutions this year — which may or may not work out — I will slowly piece together a schedule, a set of short and medium and long-term goals for the year ahead that will help me to move mindfully through each DAY, while also feeling as if I am moving toward improving my overall longevity and well-being for the future.  I’ll post these as I work them out over the next few days, some personal, some professional, and some just downright bizarre and other-worldly.  Maybe not…  though surely, there are going to arise things that may seem odd to set goals for, and for me, this is hard, because I know there are many things in my life I enjoy and so “setting a goal” to do them, seems odd — I shouldn’t have to, I should want to anyway.  But that’s just the way it works for me sometimes, and the hardest step is often just getting motivation and making time to do the things I love to do, so I remember that I love to do them, and why…  so, here goes.

Goal 1:  Remembering my Body/Mind/Spirit Balance.

As of yet, I’m not sure how to set this widely arcing goal in terms of short-medium-long ranges.  What with my anxiety issues, my tendency toward depression, my back problems, my spiritual at-a-loss-ness, and my up-and-down level of fitness, I find it hard to figure out what is reasonable.

This started out as a “Lose 15 pounds by May” medium-range goal, with a “Gym 3 times a week” short-term goal, and a “Keep that pace up until the end of 2010″ long term goal.  Sounds fine.  Sounds reasonable.  It might make volleyball more enjoyable, too.  In addition, I will look great, and can go nude on the beach if I so choose.  Of course, it involves eating a bit better (not that we eat bad, but we eat bad over the holidays, and that’s the mindset I am currently in, so give me a break and stop screaming at me). Partly, this requires just a bit more portion control, a bit more mental interruption when I see delicious cookies or chocolates out there in the world, so I can just say no.  It also involves buying a bit more fruit and veg, although, sometimes that’s not the problem — sometimes, the problem is remembering they’re in the fridge and actually EATING them.

I think there's some fresh parmesan in the door. Behind the five-year old cottage cheese.

I think I’ve learned one trick…  cut up veggies and put them in baggies so they are already transportable and edible.  The actual work is negligible and can be done after a grocery run to ensure proper consumption of purchases.  I also might start doing a little food journal.  Probably not though, sounds like a lot of peripheral work.  It also requires of me to drink more water, and will coincide nicely with my “being more green” goal (forthcoming) in that I hope to eat less and less meat products, more and more vegetables/fruits, and increasingly local foods which though not a guarantee to be healthier, certainly might contain less chemicals and are better for the Earth’s health and so, in turn, my own.  Following?  Good.

In addition, I should note…  that by “shape” I also want to draw my focus to my mental and spiritual well-being.  So, another short-term goal is to maintain a meditation practice of 15 minutes a day, at least 4 days a week, which, hopefully, can build up to 5, 6, and maybe 7.  I would like to incorporate Tai Chi and/or Yoga back into that as well, but finances being what they currently are, I am not really prepared to fork out the money for those things unless they come free with my gym membership.  Sadly, I have still not completed the forms of Tai Chi that I started learning, but the cost became too much and there were too many paid-for-and-missed classes.  I will return one day, when my finances reach a more optimal flow (see other goals later on).

Finally, in terms of my Mind/Body/Etc. totality, I want to complete some sort of meditation retreat this year as a long-term goal.  There is a possibility to go to a Personal Nature Quest workshop in April or September, but those cost money.  There are several meditation workshops and retreats around the city, and perhaps those will be more accessible.  But who’s to say.  I have a whole year to find the information, and so month-to-month, I will be sure to at least explore one or two possibilities.  Maybe this summer will be a good time.

Next up:  The Next Item on My List.

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays to One and All.  Back Eventually.

Back to Buddha, But, Please, No Bells and Whistles.

Just in time for the celebration of Jesus’ birth — with the bells jing-a-ling’ing on the belly of fat white men in red who break and enter as the reminder of the hallucinations experienced by the Christmas donkey in the stable as a result of the mix of frankincense and anti-histamines he took for the hay fever brought on by the crowding of the drafting doorway by shepherds and “wise men” — I have returned to meditation and Buddha.

Now, I’m no Buddhist.  At least, I don’t think I am.  I like Buddhism, I like mindfulness, meditation, its ideas concerning compassion, suffering, etc.  But I cannot see the blessing of completely disregarding our connections to things in the world — we are OF the world, and certainly our over-wrought sense of possession and need to be young, included, thin, successful, etc.  Those things we can learn to let go of…  but relationships are important.  They define us.  Nature is important.  It sustains us.  This is a completely bastardized idea of Buddhism, but it has, at times, seemed a bit insular and devoid of social justice for my tastes.  I similarly like many of the founding beliefs within Taoism, the uncarved block, the beauty of not-doing, yin-yang, qi-gong, tai chi…  but some part of me is still recovering from a Western, Christian upbringing.  Not yet.  I can’t say that I’m a Buddhist-taoist yet.  Or ever.  The identification really is not that important, I just really enjoy the imagining of other worldviews and how I experience the world in learning/practicing them…  how I make meaning out of their teachings, texts, etc.  Really phenomenological-hermeneutic stuff for you academes.

Moving on…  it felt familiar and comforting to return to a meditation practice.  It was just one day, true…  and it was a brief foray into ACTUAL mindfulness training — two hours with about 45 minutes of meditation and an hour of discussion by a few older folks who were in attendance, who seem to be REGULARS there.  They were nice, still, I felt weird being much younger than everyone else.  But at the Shambhala Centre, despite feeling more at home generationally, the whole concept of “levels” and “warrior training” for something that I’ve desired to bring calm, peace, serenity, and joy to my life was disrupting and ultimately, shifted my focus elsewhere.  Plus, like a mentor of mine once said, “how many more warriors does our world need?”  Tai chi trained us in a martial art not as warriors, but as vital beings in the world, remembering our place.  I must say, I still miss tai chi, and will go back to finish the forms in the New Year.

But its a step toward feeling better again, to feeling like I am working toward something.  Working toward a better me, I suppose…  peace in myself, peace in the world.

The conversation was okay, and I guess as someone who has read a lot of Buddhist and Taoist work, who practices off and on, and someone particularly in academia, I found it a little bizarre.  The topic yesterday was “turning adverse conditions into the path to enlightenment,” i.e., what to do when people piss you off.  Ahem.  And it was good to hear the teacher’s take, turning those people into your beloved teachers of patience or serenity…  but the conversation became quite circular in hearing each of the older people take turns describing situations where they were slighted and then asking, “so what about that?”

I.E., hypothetically speaking, “What do we do when someone dominates the conversation and we cannot get a word in and we feel like we have to just walk away because we’re so angry?  I hate that!  Don’t you hate that?”

Answer to all questions???

“Well, make them your beloved teacher of patience and listening.  Its hard work.  But we want to cultivate peace in our minds and hearts and peace in the world, right?  That is where it starts!”  I’ve felt this way a long time, and I must say it is certainly easier for me to feel this way regarding strangers than with people I know, and much easier with people I know than with my own selves (I believe in multiple personalities within us, weird huh?  I do though.  For real.  And I am unanimous in that).

So, I will go back.  I was glad I went last night, after a long hectic day of running all over Toronto.  It was a gentle reminder, a relocation of a path I felt I was formerly on, but have strayed from for much of 2009 despite certain periods of promise and growth. Step 1 is being worked on, then.  Steps 2-10000 are to be added soon.

On a funny note…  I was leaving the meditation centre when a little older lady asked me how I was getting home.  “I suppose I’ll walk over and take the bus down,” I said to her.

“You should walk.  You should walk with me.  I mean…  walk me a few blocks rather than take the bus.”

So I did.  It was a sweet way of asking/insisting, in a very “Help me cross the road” old lady/boy scout kinda way.  And I was never a boy scout, but I have surely earned a zillion such badges in my time.  And now, I kinda want the badges when this stuff happens.

I digress.  As we walked though, I struggled a little — she walked friggin’ fast!  Way unexpected.  I’m by nature a very slow, meandering walker…  ask S.  He is a “quicker walker” — I’ll say that so as to avoid some dichotomy where I put him in the “too fast” category and he puts me in the “too slow” category, as if we could meet somewhere in the middle that would suit us both.  But this lady TOOK OFF down the street, and as I tried to keep up, she started her little conversation about empowerment, and the wonderful teachings of meditation…  “but,” she said, “I don’t believe in any of this Buddhist mumbo jumbo.  Its all bells and whistles.  Baloney”  Bells and whistles?  Mumbo jumbo?  Baloney?  “Perhaps,” I said.  Unexpected #2…   and that was that.  I expect I’ll see her around now, and she asked both my first AND last name when we introduced ourselves, and so now I have hers as well.  Perhaps she was there to teach me something too…  I’m just not sure what.  How to walk faster?  To get what we need out of others and not imagine their worldviews as having weight or partial views of truth/reality/a more visceral knowledge?  I guess because she was older I expected her to be a long-time practitioner or a Buddhist at heart.  Not so, she just wanted to calm down a bit I guess.  It didn’t help her walking calm down, although maybe that was just the cold.

And I’m glad I walked with her…  my little teacher of pace.

On cookie dough and feelin’ low

Perhaps the most frustrating thing about chronic, low-grade depression is that the bottom never really drops out.  I’m never sitting in the dark in a corner of my room unable to face the day.  I can get up, I can go do things that have to be done.  The trouble is, the very act of forcing myself to do certain things makes me feel as if I have no internal motivation, desire, drive, or passion.  It trickles into everything I do, so that I am convinced that I don’t really enjoy things, I just do them so that I occupy my time and avoid slipping into complete despair.  If it all sounds dramatic, that’s because it is.

We made cookies this weekend.  We canned carrots and cauliflower/green beans.  We finished the hand-made Christmas cards to send out, and suddenly, last night, I just lost it.  I had to go for a walk because I felt completely aloof, completely incompetent at my own life.  I guess there’s times in many peoples lives where these moments occur, but the regularity with which they occur in mine creates what is essentially a very long skip in a record, an echo, a pattern…  I have to convince myself that there are small changes to make in my everyday life that will help me feel better.  And, if I can just get over the disarray of TODAY, and be mindful TOMORROW, then I can make those things happen.  It doesn’t always work, and it sucks trying to convince yourself every month or so that this course you’re on is okay, that you’re okay, that you don’t need to despair.

I must say, without a loving, wonderful, understanding, and patient partner, I’m not sure how I’d be coping at this point.  I’ve always had friends, and I have a close family — but many of them live elsewhere now, or rather, I’ve moved away from them to follow different paths or to take on new challenges.  They’re still there, but they cannot really HELP me.  Even S cannot do the work for me, but being a constant, non-judgmental support is better than any other form of outside help I can ask for…

It was not a good feeling I had on that walk last night, but it was one I am familiar with in many ways.  Echoes are, afterall, our own voices calling back to us, bouncing off the reflective faces of the world around us.  There’s bound to be some recognition there, and some hearing of ourselves that we can’t necessarily do from within during the mundane parts of our lives.  I still think that these moments of struggle can help me, but I need to harness them a bit more, to just observe the feelings and thoughts and not give them so much credit.

To feel uninspired or to think for a moment that I don’t care about anything or am not worthy of certain things does not belie my reality in any sense.  Its hard to remember that all the time, and I still wish I didn’t have to do THIS work — but it will probably never go away.

Don we now our Canadian tuxedo…

So, I have officially handed in my Canadian permanent residency application as of yesterday morning.  It was a stressful process, and given my proclivity for procrastination, it had interesting twists and turns along the way.  Many things were out of my control, i.e., waiting for letters of employment from people I worked for over the course of 2-3 months 8-10 years ago and never getting them.  Understandably so.  I also misunderstood part of the application process regarding criminal background checks, and so I am pushing the limits of dates there, too…  but when you have an “online application packet” that is different from the internal process with 120-day deadlines (not on the website when I started), subject to rapidly changed laws, and indeed, a SECOND application packet that gives more detail than the first (which I did not find until later on in the process, but which clarified some questions I had and also introduced some new panic-inducing necessities)…  one is bound to make mistakes.  Especially if one is a student, and cannot afford a lawyer.

So now, we play the “Waiting Game.”  Fingers, toes, earlobes crossed…  prayin’ to Jesus once again.  Hoping for the best.  Hoping for a medical exam and an interview…  and then another bomb load of cash sent to Canada.  But its all worth it, I love it here, I want to stay…  I can’t think of going back to the US right now for many reasons, and so, it is my sincerest wish to become a Canadian resident.  I can finally dress up like Kanye, in the finest of Gucci Canadian Tuxedos:

Denim really brings out the color of your eyes, Kanye... no homo.

As part of the process, I would also like to mention that my New York State criminal background check came back with some interesting ethnic information on it.  I am, for all intents and purposes, Caucasian.  But why resort to such labeling in this day and age?  Its 2009, nay almost 2010!  We can surely think of better ways to identify and categorize people, can we not? Thank you New York State, for making things simpler, like they were in the olde days…

EYES:  Blue

HAIR:  Brown

HEIGHT:  200cm or, 6′6″

ETHNICITY:  NOT HISPANIC…

Not.  Hispanic.  That’s ALL?  That’s how we categorize people in 2009?  You’re either Hispanic (technically, or, originally, people from Spain or the Spanish Empire)…  or you’re not Hispanic (So you are Asian, SE Asian, South Asian, European, African, Middle Eastern, Arab, Jewish, Native American, Aboriginal, Pacific Islander, Multiracial, French-Caribbean…  the list goes on and on…  but most importantly, you are NOT HISPANIC).

Which makes me wonder, what does that information tell us about someone?  That very simple either/or…  if you ARE Hispanic, clearly, the NY State Justice system knows something deeper about your realities.

Oh well, I should keep my mouth shut or my fingers from typing too much…  I don’t want to ruin my chances for Permanent Residency, and a Visa officer could very well be reading my blog.  In which case, I love your tuxedo!  Denim really brings out your eyes!